You Could Be Happy
by AlexisRose84
Summary: Summary: Anna has always had the life she had dreamed. Why couldn't she feel as happy as she should? Post series story with postpartum depression and post traumatic stress disorder. Complete. [Anna and Bates] Mary, Mrs. Hughes, Isobel Crawley
1. Chapter 1

**You Could be Happy **

_**Summary: Anna has always had the life she had dreamed. Why couldn't she feel as happy as she should? Post series story with postpartum depression and post traumatic stress disorder. **_

_This was going to be a one-shot that ended up becoming a story in my head. For some reason, I like to write angst. But don't worry, I plan on having them end happy. I read that having a baby can bring back post traumatic stress. Also, with all Anna has been through, it can make it more likely for her to get postpartum depression. _

_Warnings: This will have darker themes, but it won't be too dark. This chapter has mentions and memories of sexual assault as well as dark thoughts. _

**Nightmares**

_July 1930_

The Bates' House was never quiet anymore. With three small little ones, Anna and John had their hands full. As Anna rocked their newest little one, Charlotte, in the rocker, she thought about how it wasn't that long since she thought a house full of children would never happen. She pressed a kiss to the three month old's temple. Life was very different now.

Having three kids in four and a half years had completely changed their household dynamic. First of all, they no longer lived in the small cottage. Once Madeline had been born, it was too tight of a space for the four of them. Lady Mary had found them a house nearby to stay in. It was just the perfect size for their family and they were extremely grateful. Another change, with Madeline's birth, was Anna's reduced work. Now she only helped Mary get ready for special occasions. Two children proved to be too much to handle and work full time. Now that there were three, Anna was unsure how much longer she would be able to work for Mary. John still worked for Lord Grantham, but in their free time they had started working toward their long term plan of owning a hotel.

"Papa!" Jack, their energetic four year old, said enthusiastically when John walked through the door. Madeline, her brother's little shadow, copied him and ran toward her father with her hands up.

John lifted the two year old into his arms and Anna stood up. She winked to her husband, before taking the sleeping infant into their room and laying her down in her cot.

"You're home early," Anna said with smile, when she walked back into the main room.

"Lord Grantham is going out for the evening," John informed her.

"Have you eaten?"

"No," John replied. Jack had climbed up on the chair at the table and was clinking his spoon lightly against his plate.

"Jack," Anna warned. Jack stopped and gave his mother a sheepish grin. It was then John noticed the tenseness in Anna's body language. She appeared less comfortable in her own body. It was something John had observed a lot in the past several weeks since Charlotte was born. Anna seemed less like herself.

"Is everything alright, darling?" John questioned, as he placed Madeline in her seat. The two year old grabbed the bread that was already sitting on her tray and took a big bite.

Anna forced a smile and responded, "Everything's fine." John just nodded. He knew it was a lot, three little ones to care for. She was an excellent mother who rarely complained about how tiresome they could be. She was always playing with them and teaching them. She was one of the most patient mothers he had ever met.

Charlotte wasn't the best sleeper, yet. Of course, she was only twelve weeks old. The little babe still requested nourishment from her mother throughout the night. John helped as much as he could, but most of it was often left up to Anna.

"What if you brought the kids to the nursery tomorrow and helped Lady Mary in the morning? It might do you some good to get out of the house," John suggested. Anna just shook her head.

"I don't know if that's a good idea. We haven't even run it by her." Anna finished placing the food on the table.

"Well, you could come by in the afternoon. Everyone would love to see the kids. You know Thomas has a soft spot for children," John tried again. Anna's lips pierced and she shrugged off his words.

"I'm still getting the children into a new routine. Maybe in a few weeks."

John knew then to drop it, but he was concerned for his wife. While he was sure it was most likely the adjustment, he couldn't shake that there was more to the change in his wife.

-X-X-X-X-X-

"You both sleep well," Anna told the two oldest, as she kissed the two of them goodnight. Her hand lingered on Jack's face and she gave him a soft smile. His light hair and eyes made him look like her, but he had the determinedness of his father. "I love you," she told him strongly.

"Me too!" Madeline yelled, sitting up in her cot and reaching out her hands. Anna walked over to her and took her hand.

"Yes, I love you too," Anna kissed the little girl's cheek, before leaving the two of them to fall asleep.

When she walked out of the room, she pressed her back against their doorway. She loved her children more than life itself, but something in her just felt off. As she had held onto Jack's perfect little face, her connection to him felt further away. Almost as if it were covered by some fog. No matter how much she tried to connect with her babies, it didn't work. She didn't feel as though she was completely with them. It scared her a bit. She hadn't mentioned it to John yet, because it was probably nothing. Anna got little sleep at night. She was probably just exhausted.

"Would you like some tea?" John's voice rang down the hallway.

Anna opened her mouth to say yes, but immediately a cry came out from their room. Charlotte was already up. Anna sighed. She hadn't had a moment of rest all day.

"I'll get her," John said. He walked past Anna and went into their room to get Charlotte. "Go, put your feet up for a bit. I can rock her for a little while."

Anna was grateful for the opportunity to rest. She went down to get some tea and grabbed a book to read. However, it wasn't even a few minutes before a non-consolable Charlotte had been brought to her by John.

"I'm sorry, love. She must be hungry. Nothing is making her happy."

Anna took the petite baby and walked her back to their room. She sat in the rocker next to her bed and hummed, while feeding her. Her finger ran along the curve of the baby's cheek. She truly was a beautiful little girl.

_It would be easier if she wasn't here, if she just fell away in the night._

Anna's thoughts caused her breath to hitch in her throat. No, she told herself. She didn't mean it. She's was tired.

Quickly, Charlotte had fallen asleep, and Anna quickly placed her into the cot.

"I love you," she whispered so intensely, as if she was forcing herself to believe it. "I love you," she repeated, her voice catching in her throat.

Anna decided not to go out for tea, but instead to go to sleep. She needed her rest. Once she had more sleep, she would feel better. She just knew it.

-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna was walking down the hallway next to the Servant's Hall. The first thing she noticed was that it was extremely quiet.

"Where's everyone?" Anna asked out loud. She felt an uneasiness in the air around her. Something wasn't right.

It was then she felt herself being pulled back and dragged into the boot room. She wanted to scream, but no noise would escape. Her body began to fight the force that was holding her. This wasn't real; it couldn't be real.

As she was thrown downwards, the table in the room pinched her back. It was then she saw the face that was doing this to her. Finally the scream escaped her lips. Green towered over her, leaning in closer and closer. She could feel his hands fumbling over her body and his knees digging into her legs to keep them from closing.

"No," she cried. "No!" But he wouldn't stop. Tears started to stream down her cheeks. This was it; it was happening again.

"NO!"

A baby's cry made her body tense, but Green didn't stop.

"My baby," she whispered into the air. "No! Please! No!"

-X-X-X-X-X-

"No! Please! No!"

John awoke abruptly to Anna's screams and Charlotte's crying. He jumped out of bed as quickly as he could and grabbed his cane to head over to where the baby was. He was concerned something had happened to her. However, as he got closer to her and woke up more, he realized Anna's screams were coming from her sleep. His face darkened. Anna hadn't had one of those dreams in a very long time and especially one not this intense. Her entire body was shaking and moving all around the bed. The way she was screaming made him know just how real it felt for her.

As John tried to decide the best course of action, his eyes moved from Anna to the baby and back again. He couldn't grab the baby and then wake Anna, because she might strike in fear. He decided it would be best to wake her first and then get Charlotte.

"Anna," John said gently, touching her shoulder and giving it a tender shake. "Anna, it's just a dream, my darling. Please wake up."

"NO!" She screamed. Her eyes jerked open. They were wild and John could tell she still wasn't sure where she was. She sunk out of the bed and pushed her back against the wall, before bursting into harsh sobs.

"Anna," John said once again. He walked over and sat down next to her. "Anna, it was only a dream. You're here with me, Anna."

"Oh John," Anna cried. John pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. Anna's sobs and Charlotte's cries filled the room. "It felt so real. I thought…"

"Shh," he soothed into her ear. "It's okay now. It was just a dream."

"Mummy," a concerned voice said from the doorway. Both Anna and John looked up to see Jack standing in the crack of the door with his bear tight in his arms.

"It's okay, Jack," John reassured his son. John awkwardly stood up and went to pick up Charlotte. She immediately settled in his arms. For that, John was grateful. Then he walked over to Jack and offered him a hand. "Come on, Jackie. Let's go to bed."

"No," the little boy said stubbornly. "I want Mummy."

"Jack, come on. It'll be okay."

"No!" He cried.

"It's okay," Anna said, standing up and wiping the tears off her face. "Come here, Jack." Jack ran to his mother and jumped into her arms. Anna held him tighter than she probably ever had before.

"I'm so sorry I scared you," she murmured to him. "I'm so sorry." Anna observed John examining her with his eyes. He was worried. However, he didn't say anything, when he took Charlotte out of the room and shut the door behind them.

_To be continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you to those who read and reviewed! _

**Concern**

Wet hair soaked through Anna's gown as her shaking hands pulled her cup of tea to her lips. Once she had Jack back to sleep, Anna needed to bathe. The dream had been so vivid. Even with her freshly bathed skin, her skin still crawled with the feel of his touch. She had scrubbed hard until her flesh began to burn. Nothing had been able to get rid of that feeling.

A lone tear fell down her cheek. The nightmares had started again shortly after Charlotte's birth, but that was the most vivid one she had had. She hadn't mentioned the return of the dreams to John, because she had found this happened after each of her births for a few months afterwards. Anna had always assumed it was the lack of sleep playing on her mind. However, this one was different. This one shook her to her core and brought her back to the moment so intensely. It felt as though the attack had just happened and not seven year ago.

"Charlotte is asleep," John said quietly, entering the room. He placed his hand on Anna's shoulder and she pulled sharply away.

"I…I'm sorry," Anna cried. Her face fell into her hands to block a sob from coming out.

"No," John replied. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. Are you okay?" Anna's hands fell away from her face and she gave a meek smile.

"I'm fine," she told him with a shake of her head. "It's all silly. I just had a bad dream." Anna wasn't sure why she was minimizing it. She knew John wouldn't judge her and would help her though it. But she just felt so lost lately and didn't know how to put it into words. Perhaps if she pretended everything was okay, it would be.

"Anna, you are not fine," John said slightly irritated. He knew something more was going on with his wife and his concern was growing after this episode. "It wasn't just a bad dream. You were screaming and flailing about the bed."

Anna avoided his gaze by looking down into her cup of tea. Her throat was beginning to feel tight, which was making it hard to swallow. She felt guilty for not being able to say anything to John. Anna knew that he just wanted to help her. And she wanted him to be able to help her, she really did. However, she couldn't. She didn't know why, but she just couldn't.

"Anna, please tell me what's going on," John begged. Anna's breath hitched within her throat and a few tears fell down her sunken cheeks.

"I can't," she wept. Shaking her head sharply, she worked on gaining her composure. She wiped the tears off her cheeks and met John's eyes. "I'm just tired, is all. Charlotte is up several times a night and then Madeline and Jack like to wake with the sun."

"And the nightmare? Was that the first?"

Anna bit her lip and shrugged her shoulders. "I…I'm not sure."

"Anna," John sighed.

"It's fine. This always happens after one of the babies is born, but it goes away pretty quickly. I'm sure it's all because I'm tired." Anna took his hands into hers and gave his a squeeze. "I'm fine," she repeated.

John didn't appear to believe his wife, but he dropped it for now. It was true that she needed her sleep. The two of them quietly entered their bedroom and got into bed. But Anna couldn't fall back asleep, every time she closed her eyes all she could see was Green's face.

-X-X-X-X-

Anna was both glad and disappointed when the sun's rays began to flutter between their window curtains. She no longer had to try to sleep, but at the same time she was utterly exhausted. A headache was beginning to form behind her eyes from the lack of sleep. She pressed her thumb between her eyebrows and pushed down hard in an attempt to help it fade.

"Mummy! Mummy!" Jack and Madeline's voices called from their nursery. Anna felt John shift next to her before wrapping his arms around her. She stiffened. He tensed in response.

"Sorry," he muttered, pulling away quickly. Once again, Anna felt guilty. "You rest a bit more while Charlotte is still sleeping. I can feed the kids before I have to head in for work."

Anna rolled over onto her back and felt new tears threatening to escape. She didn't know if they were from frustration, tiredness, or fear of what was happening to her. She assumed it was a bit of all three. Her eyes slowly closed and she took a deep breath. Just a few minutes. She told herself. If she could sleep for just a few minutes, she would be able to make it through the day. But she couldn't fall asleep. It was as if she was trying too hard. Her body wouldn't let her rest. She sat up and peeked in on Charlotte.

The small babe had her hand flushed against her face and her lips were pierced together, as if deep in thought. While she was still sleeping, Anna decided to take this opportunity to bathe. She still felt dirty from the dream hours ago. Her middle of the night bath had done nothing to rid her of that.

-X-X-X-X-

John heard the water turn on in the washroom. His concern for his wife deepened. She hadn't been in this state of needing multiple baths since soon after the attack. It had faded a few months after she had returned home. He prayed it was just the nightmare from the previous night and that she would return to normal soon. His head shook at the thought. No, it wasn't going to return to normal soon. He had noticed the change in his wife for a while now. It was that it seemed to have gotten clearer overnight with the nightmare.

"Papa," Jack interrupted his thoughts. John turned to see Jack had spilled his milk all over the table. Jack had a sheepish look on his face, to which John gave him a smile to quell his fears.

"It's okay, Jack. Spills sometimes happen," John told him. He saw the little boy relax some and return his smile. "Why don't you help me clean it up?" John turned to grab a few cloths to clean the spill.

"Jack! What on earth! You have to be careful!" Anna's voice screeched. Her voice made even John jump. John turned to see anger on Anna's face. It was so unlike her; she was normally the most patient with the children. John noticed both Jack and Madeline had pushed themselves back in their chairs scared of the voice that had come out of their mother.

"I'm sorry, Mummy. I didn't mean…"

"It was an accident," John interjected. His eyes met Anna and he saw her anger quickly fade. Now she appeared upset, but not with the children, with herself.

"I…I'm sorry, Jack. Mummy shouldn't have gotten so upset with you. It was just an accident." Then her eyes moved back to John's. "I'm just so tired. It's made me a little on edge."

"You know, I think Jack and Madeline should come into work with me today," John said, not allowing room for disagreement. "I know George and the other children would love to play with them. It would give you some time to rest."

"But we haven't even asked. Lady Mary…."

"It'll be fine," John replied. He wasn't actually sure that it would be fine. But he knew Anna was on the edge. He was not sure she would be able to make it through the day with both the older children on top of the baby. Once he arrived at work, he would figure out what to do with the children.

"You'll have just Charlotte today, so maybe you can rest when she sleeps," he offered.

"Oh..okay," Anna uneasily replied. "Come on, Jack and Madeline, you need to get dressed to go with Papa this morning."

-X-X-X-X-

As Anna watched John walk away with their two oldest, she felt a small ounce of relief. The quiet today would be a good change to what she was used to. That relief, however, became covered in more guilt. She couldn't handle her children. She was an awful, horrible mother. John didn't trust her with the three of them on her own.

Her body felt heavy. Nothing was right. Why was she failing so badly? Hadn't she always wanted this? Maybe she wasn't cut out for being a mother.

Charlotte's cries came from her room. She sighed angrily. Why couldn't she get a moment of peace?

"What?" Anna yelled as she walked into the room. "What is wrong?!" When she saw her daughter's sweet face, her face fell and she burst into tears. She pulled the baby into her arms and began to gently bounce her up and down. "I'm so sorry, Charlotte. Mummy's sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

-X-X-X-X-

"What's this?" Mrs. Hughes asked with a smile when she saw Jack and Madeline with Mr. Bates. "Is Anna coming in today to work with Lady Mary?"

"No, Mummy is mad, so Papa brought us to work," Jack replied simply. He took his sister's hand and led her to the Servant's Hall. They both knew that Mrs. Patmore would spoil them with sweets.

"What? What was that Jack was saying? Anna's mad?" Mrs. Hughes' shock didn't surprise John. John just sighed.

"She's not getting enough sleep and she's overwhelmed. I thought bringing the kids to work with me today might give her a break."

"Yes, I am sure Nanny won't mind at all. The children have missed Jack and Madeline since the new baby was born." Mrs. Hughes grinned. Her grin faded when she saw the concern on John's face. "Are you sure that's all?"

"No," John replied honestly. "I think there is something more going on with Anna, but she won't speak with me about it." John sighed in frustration. "I'm worried about her."

"A new baby can change the dynamics greatly. I'm sure a few days of rest will help her. Perhaps we can ask Nanny and Lady Mary if it would be okay if Jack and Madeline joined you for a few days."

"Yes, that might be good for her. Thank you, Mrs. Hughes."

While John was grateful for her help, John couldn't shake the feeling that this was going to take more than a simple fix to have his wife back.

_To be continued..._


	3. Chapter 3

_Thanks again! Enjoy!_

**Sleeplessness **

John happily watched as Madeline and Jack ran around the open field during their midday meal. He had missed this part of his day lately. Usually, Anna and the children would meet him at lunchtime and they would have that time together. With the arrival of Charlotte, Anna hadn't had the time to meet up with him. So today, he had decided to pull the children from the nursery and bring them outside with him. The weather was nice and he needed this time with his children.

In the evenings, he usually got home just as it was time to put them to bed. Most mornings he was out the door before they awoke. He tried to come home during the days when he could, but it was difficult for the length of the walk. He knew now that his time at Downton would have to come to an end sooner or later. He had three small children who needed time with their father. He thought about bringing up a better plan with Lord Grantham. Something that could at least get him home earlier in the evenings. The service work was changing with the times, although Lord Grantham didn't seem to want to part with a full time valet.

"Papa," Madeline squealed as her brother chased her through the fields. Madeline ran toward John, who picked her up and placed her into his lap. He pressed a kiss to her cheek and held her close.

"No worries, love, you're safe here." Madeline gave her brother a pointed look, showing she had been saved. The little boy shrugged his shoulders and sat down on the blanket to grab a biscuit out of the basket.

"Can we come into work with you every day, Papa?" Jack questioned, taking a big bite of the biscuit.

"Maybe we can figure something out where you can come more often. How does that sound?" Jack's eyes lit up.

"Will Mrs. Patmore make me pancakes every morning?"

John laughed heartily at his son's priorities. "I don't know about that, Jack. I bet your mummy misses you today."

"Yes, but it's boring at home with Charlotte who cries and cries," Jack stated dramatically. "It's more fun here."

"Fun!" Madeline agreed.

"Alright, well perhaps you could come with me the rest of the week. Then we can talk with Mummy about meeting here more often."

"Okay!"

-X-X-X-X-X-

Mrs. Hughes stood anxiously at the doorstep of Anna and John's house. She had been knocking for several minutes and there wasn't an answer. The baby's cries could be heard from outside the door.

"Anna," she called through the door, trying to turn it and finding it locked. "Anna!" She yelled. Mrs. Hughes was about to turn and find someone to call and help her with the door. Her concern was growing.

"Ann…" The door swung open. There in front of her stood a very exhausted Anna. Her hair was soaking wet and she was still in her nightdress. Little Charlotte was screaming in Anna's arms.

"Mrs. Hughes," Anna said surprised. "I wasn't expecting you, come on in." Anna led Mrs. Hughes into the sitting room, while she attempted to soothe the baby.

"I decided to take the afternoon to visit with you and little Charlotte. I haven't been able to spend time with my newest goddaughter lately."

"I'm sorry I didn't hear you. I was to bathing while Charlotte was sleeping. Before I could finish, she was up and screaming again. For some reason, she won't settle today." Anna continued to pace around the room, rocking and bouncing the baby. Mrs. Hughes could tell Anna had been crying. She walked up to Anna and offered out her arms.

"Why don't you let me take her for a bit?" Anna gratefully handed Charlotte over to Mrs. Hughes. Almost immediately, Charlotte settled into her arms and calmed down. Anna's face darkened. Mrs. Hughes was quick to notice Anna's displeasure with the fact that she had been unable to settle her own child.

"I think sometimes little ones know their mothers are exhausted and then they won't settle for them," Mrs. Hughes said, trying to brighten Anna's mood.

"Perhaps," Anna murmured, her face still downtrodden.

"Anna, why don't you let me take Charlotte for a walk in her pram? You could use a nap," Mrs. Hughes offered. She hadn't, however, expected Anna to burst into tears at her suggestion. "Oh, love, come….sit down." Anna did as Mrs. Hughes suggested. The two of them sat down on the settee. "What's troubling you, dear?"

"I can't do it," Anna cried. "I'm failing."

"Oh, no. I know that's not true. You are a wonderful mother, Anna," Mrs. Hughes replied strongly. She shifted the now sleeping babe in her arms and reached out to grab Anna's hand. "Some sleep would do you some good. Go on and sleep and I'll keep an eye on Charlotte. I don't have to be back to work for several hours. Rest up."

Anna slowly nodded and did as she was told. Mrs. Hughes peered down at Charlotte worriedly for her mother.

"Why don't we go for a walk," She said, giving the girl a smile.

-X-X-X-X-X-

John requested to head home early since he had the children that day. When he and the children got home, the house was eerily quiet. Madeline ran right in and grabbed her dolly that sat on the settee and looked around searching for her mother.

"Mummy?" She asked. "Mummy?"

"Anna? Darling? Are you here?" John peered all around downstairs and didn't see a sign of Anna. Then he went upstairs, as quickly as he could with his cane, to find Charlotte sleeping peacefully in her cot. However, there was still no sign of Anna.

"Mummy!" Madeline's voice was getting impatient. John rushed back downstairs.

"You both stay here," John instructed his two oldest children. His heart began to beat heavily in his chest. Where could Anna be? She wouldn't just leave Charlotte home alone like this, would she? He walked, once more, toward the back of the house. It was then he noticed the backdoor ajar. He headed toward the door and pushed it open. The breath he didn't know he was holding escaped his lips. On the ground sat Anna as she harshly washed the side of the house with a rag.

"Anna," John's voice made Anna jump. When she looked up to him, John's concern grew again. Her face was pale and her eyes were dark. "What are you doing out here?"

"Charlotte was sleeping. The house has been needing some cleaning," she explained, as she stood. Her nightdress was covered in dirt.

"I don't think you should worry about that right now; you need your rest," he reminded her. Anna ignored him and grabbed her bucket. She walked back into the house and sat the bucket into the sink.

"Mummy needs a bath," Jack said, seeing his mother covered in dirt.

"I do," Anna agreed with a smile. "Then I'll make us some dinner," she told her son.

"I can make dinner. You can go and nap after you bathe," John offered. Anna shook her head.

"Mrs. Hughes came by today and watched Charlotte for a while. I took a decent nap then. I can make dinner."

Anna left John with the children and headed to the washroom. She stripped out of her dirty clothes and walked over to the sink. She turned on the water and splashed the cold water over her face. Looking up in the mirror, tears began to spill out of her eyes. The nap had been unsuccessful. She had fallen asleep only to be woken up by memories of the attack, yet again. She wiped the tears away with the back of her hand and began her fourth bath in twenty four hours.

While she sat within the tub, her thoughts grew dark. She wondered what it would be like just to fall beneath the water and to never come up again. Perhaps there would be peace in the dark. She could no longer be a disappointment then.

Immediately she sat up, scared once more of the thoughts within her mind. She pulled herself up and grabbed a towel to dry off. She wasn't sure where these thoughts were coming from, but she knew they needed to stop. Her body began to shake in fear of what was happening to her mind. Everything felt so intrusive.

"Anna," John's voice came through the door. It was then she heard Charlotte's cries. "Sorry, darling. She won't calm for me. I think she's hungry."

Anna stepped out of the bathroom and took the babe from John's arm. She walked into their bedroom and brought the baby to her chest. The little girl quickly took to her breast and ate as though she was ravenous. Feeding times with Jack and Madeline had been the most precious times with them when they were little. However, with Charlotte she hated it. She felt as though the baby was draining the life away from her. Her head tilted back and she looked out the window at the sun setting beneath the trees. Charlotte gurgled and Anna glanced back down to her. She sighed.

"I am trying," she promised the babe. "I want to be a good mum to you. I do. Something just isn't right."

Once Charlotte was finished, she took her back into the kitchen where John had already begun dinner. Anna felt slightly upset that he hadn't listened to her about being able to prepare a dinner for their family that night.

"Take Charlotte," Anna demanded. "I'll finish up dinner." John didn't argue. Anna watched as Charlotte went happily into her father's arms and the way John's eyes lit up just looking at her daughter. Anna's face darkened; she turned to work on dinner so John wouldn't notice.

"Mummy! Mummy! Guess what!?" Jack said, running over toward Anna.

"What?"

"Papa said we could go to work with him all week!" Anna's body tensed and her eyes shot over to John.

"What?" Anna asked sharply. John gave her a weak smile, noticing Anna's upset face.

"Only if you wanted them to, darling. I was thinking you could use the rest…."

"Children, go upstairs and play in your nursery. I will call you down when it is time to eat," Anna said with little room to argue. She watched as the two children went upstairs and waited until she heard the door shut behind them.

"You don't trust me," Anna accused.

"What? Anna. No!"

"You don't think I can handle our children," Anna said, her voice rising.

"Now, Anna, you know that is not true. You are overwhelmed; you said it yourself. I was trying to help you by taking the children in with me today."

John could tell Anna was contemplating how to respond to the matter. Her face was full of emotions boiling over the edge. John wasn't sure if she was going to cry or yell.

"Anna," John said gently. "Let the children come in the rest of the week. They had so much fun. Perhaps you and Charlotte could meet us midday for a picnic?"

Anna felt like such a failure. She should be able to handle her three children. They were hers to keep, to care for. Anna faked a smile and nodded to John.

"Perhaps," she agreed.

Anna went back to preparing dinner for her family. After everything was prepared and on the table, she called Jack and Madeline back downstairs. She remained quiet during dinner, allowing Jack to tell her all about his day with the other children. Madeline would join in at times with a giggle or two.

Despite the calmness of dinner, Anna felt tense. It was like she no longer belonged within their family. Her hands fell beneath the table and clasped together anxiously. Her breaths became shorter and shorter.

"Anna," John said, noticing his wife's sudden change of composure. "Are you okay?"

Anna feebly nodded. "I…" It was getting harder to breathe. The room was closing in on her. "Walk…" was all she could get out, as she jumped up and headed outside into the fresh air. It wasn't helping. Her breaths were getting harsher and harsher.

"Anna," John had followed her. He grabbed her shoulders and showed her how to take a deep breath. "You're panicking. Take deep breaths with me." Anna did as she was told and slowly her breaths began to match John's.

"I'm falling apart, John," Anna cried. "Why can't I just be happy?"

John placed her cheeks gingerly into his hands and gave her a solemn smile. "I don't know, my darling. We'll figure it out," he promised. "We'll figure it out."

_To be continued..._


	4. Chapter 4

_As always, thank you! _

**Tears**

For the seventh night in a row, Anna woke up in a cold sweat, panting from the vivid recurring nightmare. She inhaled deeply, glad that it didn't appear to wake anyone else. A part of her wanted to get up and bathe, but she knew that would wake her husband. So instead, she turned to her side and stared out the window. It wasn't soon after that Charlotte began to stir in her cot.

Anna quickly pulled the babe out of her bed and pulled her to her chest, as not to disturb John. Charlotte nursed quietly and Anna's gaze remained on the stars in the sky. She wondered why she felt so lost. She had John, wonderful John. She had Jack, Madeline, and Charlotte. It was all she had ever wanted. She could be happy. So why wasn't she? Her eyes fell to Charlotte, who had fallen back asleep already. She didn't feel connected to this baby at all. Anna's heart hurt. She wanted to be connected to her. However, she felt like all her connections were fading. Jack and Madeline felt like someone else's children. John… Anna bit her lip. She knew this wasn't normal, but what could it be? If anyone knew the thoughts that invaded her mind, they would institutionalize her.

Placing the baby back into her cot, Anna let her hand linger on the babe's chest. She felt the rise and fall of Charlotte's chest against her fingers. There was something soothing knowing your child was calm and asleep. She pulled her hand up and brushed her fingers along the side of Charlotte's soft cheek. She was so beautiful. So wonderful. But Anna felt so little when she looked at her. It made a stray tear fall down her cheek. She felt lost.

"Anna?" John muttered, pulling Anna from her thoughts. Anna turned to see John was half asleep.

"I'll be back in a moment," she assured him. Soon, he was already back asleep.

Anna quietly moved toward the window she had been peering out of earlier. Her face pressed against the frame and she embraced the coolness of the glass. She brought her hand up and opened her palm, resting it against the glass. She stretched her fingers and then drew her hand back, standing up completely.

Settling back into bed, Anna hoped she would be able to get at least a few hours of sleep.

X-X-X-X-X

"Are you ready for today?" John questioned Anna carefully, as he pushed Charlotte in the pram. Jack ran several feet in front of them, while Madeline insisted her mother needed to carry her. Anna attempted to put the little girl down to walk, but she wrapped her legs around her mother and refused to let go.

"Madeline, honestly. You are too heavy to be carried the entire way," Anna frustratingly stated. John stopped and reached his hands out for Madeline. She happily went to her father. "You shouldn't give into her. She can walk."

"It's a long distance. Too bad they don't have prams that fit two children in them. Perhaps we should get another."

"I doubt we need it," Anna replied, taking over the pushing of the pram. "Jack, not too far ahead," she called out.

"So are you ready?" John asked again. Anna turned her head toward him and gave him a quizzical look.

"What for?"

"Back to work?" Lady Mary had requested Anna come in for a few days to help her get ready. She had some important meetings and wanted to look her best. Anna shrugged her shoulders.

"It's only for a few days. I'm sure I can handle it."

"I just don't want you overdoing it, Anna."

"I'm fine," came out as a quick reply. John realized that was her mantra to everything lately. A simple I'm fine was all he could get out of her.

A week ago she had finally confessed some of her fears to him, but once again she had quickly locked them up within her. It was frustrating not being able to help his wife. She refused to open up to him about all of her fears. The more John tried to get out of Anna, the more she would close up.

When they reached Downton, Anna placed the pram next to the door and picked Charlotte up. Almost immediately, the baby began to cry. Anna frowned. It seemed as though the baby cried more and more within her arms unless she was feeding her.

"Everything alright?" John asked concerned, as Jack and Madeline happily rushed in to find Mrs. Patmore.

"Yes, it's fine. We're fine," Anna handed Charlotte to John and followed the other children into the Servant's Hall, while attempting to ignore the fact that Charlotte had stopped crying instantly in John's arms.

"Pancakes!" Jack yelled happily. Anna walked into to find Jack and Madeline sitting in front if Mrs. Patmore with large plates full of pancakes.

"What's all this?" Anna asked.

"The children have been pestering me for pancakes. I thought I would surprise them this morning," Mrs. Patmore replied with a smile.

"I don't think….."

"That's very kind of you," John broke in before Anna could finish. He knew her mood could quickly swing and by Anna's tone, he knew she was about to be unpleasant about the pancakes. Anna shot him a look and took Charlotte back from him. Once again, Charlotte began to cry.

"I have to go feed Charlotte and then take her to the nursery before Lady Mary needs me. Hurry and eat children, Papa has to get to work soon."

Anna quickly walked away leaving John alone with Mrs. Patmore and the children.

"Is she alright?" Mrs. Patmore questioned. Everyone had been excited for Anna's return today, but it appeared Anna wouldn't be around to socialize today.

John gave a reassuring smile and nodded, "Yes. Anna is just anxious about today."

"Ah, well, don't worry about these wee ones. I can keep them while they eat and then take them upstairs to Nanny when they are done."

"Thank you, Mrs. Patmore."

-X-X-X-X-X-

"I am so glad to have you these next few days, Anna," Lady Mary said, while Anna rearranged the dresses on her bed. "Patrice is quite daft," Mary complained, speaking of the new young maid. "The poor thing tries," Mary added with a shake of her head.

"Glad, I could help, m'lady," Anna replied forcing a smile.

"Is everything alright?" Mary questioned.

"Yes, m'lady."

"You look a little down in the mouth," Mary stated, turning to face Anna.

"I'm fine, really. It's nothing to bother you with. Will that be all?" Anna asked. She picked up the dress that needed mending before Mary's evening meal.

"Anna, please do bother me. Haven't the two of us bothered one another plenty with our troubles?"

"I guess we have," Anna agreed. To busy her anxious hands, she rearranged the dress once more on her arms. "It's just been more difficult with a third child, is all." Anna said lightly.

"Children are hard. I struggled with George, of course. I thought it was all because of Matthew dying and that is why it took me so long to bond with him. But then Grace was born and I felt the same way."

"Truly?" Anna questioned hopefully.

"Truly," Mary replied. "Look at us now though," she added with a bright smile. "Is that all that's troubling you? Bonding with little Charlotte?"

"Yes," Anna lied. However, Mary had known Anna for a very long time and could read her almost better than anyone else.

"What else is it?" Mary questioned.

"It's nothing really," Anna stated. "If I admitted it, you would have me placed into an institution," she added with a laugh, in an attempt to pass her statement off as a joke.

"I seriously doubt that."

Anna nervously laughed again, but she didn't doubt it. Just that morning she had stared at the bridge across her window and wondered what would happen if she jumped off of it into the deep water below. Would it make her family's life easier without her there?

Who could she talk to about these thoughts? Surely anyone who heard them would think she had gone insane. The intrusive thoughts were becoming more and more common. She was glad that they seemed to focus more on her now than her children. These thoughts didn't scare her as much as those.

"Anna?" Mary noticed Anna was stuck within her thoughts. Anna just smiled.

"Sorry, m'lady. I will mend your dress before this evening. I should probably get going. It is almost time for Charlotte to eat."

-X-X-X-X-X-

"Mr. Bates, where's Anna?" Daisy asked excitedly. While she looked around for Anna, she placed food in the middle of the table.

John shook his head and answered, "I don't know, Daisy. She is supposed to be here. Perhaps she's with the children upstairs."

Daisy's smile faded. "I was hoping to see her today. It's been ages!"

"I'm sure you'll see her in a bit," John told her. Daisy got back to work. John turned his head toward the opening to see if he could see Anna rushing down the hallway to come and join them. There was no sign of her. The plan had been to keep the children with Nanny today during the midday meal so Anna could catch up with the rest of the servants.

A shadow passed by and John eased up. However, it wasn't Anna. Isobel Crawley walked into the room and everyone went quiet and stood.

"Oh, don't do this all for me," she told them with a smile. "Get back to eating. I just have a meeting with Mrs. Patmore about George's cake for his birthday."

"Mrs. Patmore will be back in a moment," Daisy informed her.

"Thank you, Daisy. I will let you get back to it," Mrs. Crawley stated.

Mrs. Crawley headed down the hallway. The sounds of the servants happily chattering faded more and more as she approached the end of the hallway. It was then she heard a baby crying. Her ears perked up even more when she realized she heard a female crying as well. A door was ajar and she pushed it open. She found Anna pacing with a forlorn look on her face. A baby was in her arms crying inconsolably.

"Please stop crying," Anna whispered fervently to the babe. "Why won't you stop crying?"

"Mrs. Bates?" Mrs. Crawley asked cautiously. Anna jumped and turned to face Mrs. Crawley.

"Mrs. Crawley, I'm sorry. I…."

"Shh, none of that," Mrs. Crawley said gently. She closed the door behind her so that no one would hear they were in the room. "Would it be okay if I held Charlotte?" Anna weakly nodded, as she handed the baby over. Mrs. Crawley held the baby close to her chest and gently bounced her. Charlotte settled and then cooed up at her.

"She doesn't like me," Anna cried. Mrs. Crawley watched Anna carefully. She saw the complete desperation on her face.

"I highly doubt that."

"She always cries with me." Mrs. Crawley's lips twitched, before she gave Anna a gentle smile.

"Why don't you let me take Charlotte to her father and then can I come back and talk with you for a bit?"

Anna couldn't speak, but she nodded.

"Good."

_To be continued..._


	5. Chapter 5

_As always, thank you! _

**Helpless**

Isobel Crawley walked toward the Servant's Hall with the baby nestled into her arms. As she rounded the corner into the room, John's eyes immediately met hers and appeared shocked to see her holding Charlotte.

"Mrs. Crawley, is everything alright?" Mrs. Crawley gave him a gentle smile.

"Yes," she somewhat lied. She couldn't very well say what was going on with all of the prying ears in the Servant's Hall. "I'm just here to give you Charlotte." Isobel moved closer to John and handed the baby to him. When she was in closer proximity to him, she whispered, "I will need to talk to you soon."

"Will you please let Mrs. Patmore know I will be a little late for our meeting," Isobel stated loudly to the entire room. Everyone nodded.

Dread filled John's body as Mrs. Crawley stepped away. He knew this had to do with Anna. However, he gave a smile and a nod to keep everyone else in the Servant's Hall unaware. John knew the last thing Anna needed were prying questions from the other servants.

John quickly finished his meal so that he could run Charlotte back up to the nursery. He wanted to be available to speak with Mrs. Crawley or his wife whenever they called for him. John hoped he wouldn't be needed by Lord Grantham before then.

-X-X-X-X-X-

Before Isobel made it to the room, she decided she should probably get the poor girl some tea. Isobel quickly went back to grab the girl a cup and then headed back to the room down the hallway.

When she stepped into the room, Anna was peering out the window. Her tears were gone, but her face was still forlorn. Anna didn't seem to hear her enter the room. Isobel watched as Anna's eyes seemed to be staring at something outside intently.

"Mrs. Bates?" Isobel gently questioned. Anna jumped and then turned around. "I brought you some tea, dear."

"Thank you," Anna replied quietly, taking the cup from her hands. "Please call me Anna, Mrs. Crawley." Isobel gave her a kind smile before taking a seat from across Anna. She observed Anna take a few small sips of her tea and then sit it down on the table beside her.

"I didn't mean to cause a fuss," Anna said a moment later.

"This isn't a fuss," Isobel told her truthfully. "I was wondering if I could ask you some questions."

"Yes. Is there something I can help you with?"

"No. I am hoping I can help you." Anna swallowed hard and picked her tea back up. She then gave Isobel a small smile.

"I'm not sure what you mean by that," Anna then replied.

"Anna, dear, I have been a mother and a nurse. You can trust me. When I came in here earlier, I saw something on your face. It's a look I have seen many times before." Anna looked down at her hands and bit her lip. "Are you getting enough sleep?" Anna felt hot tears building up behind her eyes as she shook head.

"No," came out so quietly that Isobel almost didn't hear her. Then Anna looked up and weakly smiled, "But do we ever, as moms of young children?"

"When Matthew was born, I was overjoyed. His father and I had wanted children for a long time. But then, he wouldn't sleep. He cried all the time. I don't think he stopped until he was one," Isobel told her. "I went to the doctor to tell him how unhappy I was. He told me it was just 'The Baby Blues' and it would pass. It didn't just pass and it wasn't that simple." Anna turned her hands anxiously in her lap.

"No?"

"No. Just how little sleep are you getting?" Anna shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't know," she answered honestly. "Not much. Even when I have the time to sleep, I can't."

"I can give you something to help you sleep."

"No!" Anna nearly screamed, the tears then started to leave her eyes. She covered her mouth, ashamed of the way she had spoken to Mrs. Crawley. But Isobel just looked to her with kindness and concern.

"Why don't you want to sleep, dear?"

"It's silly. I'm sorry I have been taking up your time. I should probably finish mending Lady Mary's dress before this evening…." Anna said, getting up. Isobel stood with her. She understood when and when not to push.

"I assure you it's not silly," Isobel told her strongly. "Just know that whatever you are feeling, whatever thoughts you may be having, it doesn't make you a bad mother or person. Please come and talk to me when you are ready."

Anna gave her a small nod, before rushing out of the door. Isobel sighed. She prayed the poor girl would ask for some help soon.

-X-X-X-X-

"Mrs. Crawley?" John called after the woman, who was down at the other end of the hallway. Isobel turned and gave Mr. Bates a knowing nod.

"Let's speak in here," Isobel suggested, pointing into the empty boot room. John followed her into the room.

Once the door was shut behind him, John asked, "What happened?"

"Why don't we take a seat?" John did as Mrs. Crawley proposed.

"Mr. Bates, I think your wife is suffering from a form of post birth depression," Isobel informed him. "I have seen this in many mothers before in my time as a nurse. It is very different than just the simple baby blues that many mothers can experience right after birth."

"But what….how do I help her?" John felt completely lost. He didn't know what this meant for his wife.

"Sadly, she has to want help. She started to confide in me, but then got too scared to finish. It is a frightening place she is in right now. I am sure she's afraid what you or I might think of her if she were to confess it all. The best thing we can do is be patient with her, offer her help as much as possible, and let her know you and I are safe people to come to. I can help her if she'll just let me."

John felt overwhelmed and concerned for Anna. He didn't understand why she couldn't just speak with him about what she was feeling. All he wanted for her was to help her.

"I do request that you don't leave Anna by herself or alone with the children until we can get a handle on this," Mrs. Crawley recommended. John's eyes narrowed.

"Why not?"

"While it is unlikely to happen, there have been some instances where disastrous things have happened when the woman hasn't been able to get the help she needs. The help just isn't always there. It's too taboo."

"Thank you, Mrs. Crawley for seeing that Anna needs help. I am very grateful."

"Please come to me for anything," Isobel stated strongly. "I am here to help."

-X-X-X-X-X-

On the way home that evening, John studied his wife carefully. Anna seemed lost within her thoughts. He wanted to reach out and pull her into his arms. To whisper into her ear he was there and she could tell him anything. But he couldn't. Not now anyway. Jack and Madeline were both running ahead of them, while he had Charlotte in his arms. Anna was pushing the empty pram without much thought. John felt absolutely helpless.

When they got to the house, Anna took Charlotte to nurse her and put her to bed. That left John in charge of the oldest. He could tell the long day had worn them both out. As soon as they had on their night clothes and were in their beds, they were asleep before John could finish their bedtime story.

Walking back into his room, he found that Anna and Charlotte were both already asleep. John sighed. He had hoped he could use this time to speak to his wife about the things Mrs. Crawley had told him. Perhaps if she knew he knew, she would feel more comfortable speaking with him. He needed her to go to Mrs. Crawley for help. He was so worried about her.

For now, he had to figure out how to keep her from being alone or alone with the kids without rising her suspicions. He knew she wouldn't be okay with him insisting they were always together. He decided that in the morning he would find time to speak to Lady Mary. He figured he could convince her to keep Anna on for at least a few weeks while he and Mrs. Crawley tried to figure this out.

-X-X-X-X-X-

John awoke suddenly in the middle of the night to find Anna gone from their bed. He glanced into Charlotte's cot and was relieved to find her sleeping peacefully. His eyes searched the room and found their door opened. He got up and headed to the nursery. When he peeked in, he saw both children sleeping soundly. It was then he heard crying coming from the washroom.

John gently opened the door and saw Anna sitting against the wall with her knees up to her chest.

"Anna?" He questioned softly. Anna looked up and began sobbing harder. Because of where Anna was sitting, it was difficult for John to make it down to her level. It took a few moments, but finally he was next to her.

"Anna, please talk to me," he begged.

"I'm frightened," Anna croaked. The light from the moon covered her face and he could see just how distraught she appeared. He wanted to take all of that pain from her.

"Of what, my darling? Please, you can tell me anything."

Anna's body shuddered from the leftover sobs. Then she unbent her legs to reveal a sharp knife in her lap. John immediately grabbed Anna's wrists and checked them over. His fingers ran across the soft skin and he sighed in relief.

"I didn't do anything, but I…." Anna's breath hitched within her throat. Anna's eyes met John's. There was a deep fear within her eyes. Then she confessed, "I often have these intrusive thoughts in my mind about hurting the children or myself," a deep sob left her lips. "They terrify me so. But tonight…tonight is the furthest I've ever gone. I didn't mean. I…." More tears fell down her cheeks. "I'm so scared, John. I'm so scared."

John took the knife and placed it on the sink next to him. Then he pulled her tightly into his arms. He was just as scared as she was.

"I don't want to hurt our children, John. I…." Again sobs interrupted her words. John pressed a kiss to the top of her head and tightened his hold on her.

"I know," he replied. He truly did believe her, but this was so much worse than he could have ever imagined. "I know."

"Please help me, John. Please."

"Shh, my darling. Shh. I'm here. I'm here."

_To be continued..._


	6. Chapter 6

_Thank you to those who have reviewed! Reviews always help motivate me to write faster for you to get more. Thank you also if you have liked or followed the story, or me :). I hope you continue to enjoy. _

**Help**

When Anna awoke in the middle of the night from another nightmare, she had been surprised that Charlotte hadn't already woken. She jumped up and checked into the cot. Her hand reached down to Charlotte's belly. It rose and fell with Charlotte's breaths and Anna sighed in relief. She was just sleeping; she was fine. Anna then jumped at the sound of John snoring. She felt overly anxious.

Anna decided to go down to the kitchen and make herself some tea to calm down. She couldn't sleep well anyway. The nightmares were draining.

The teapot screamed and Anna quickly grabbed it off the burner so it wouldn't wake anyone in the house. She made her a cup and sat down at the table. Anna felt so incredibly helpless;she was useless to her family.

At the edge of the sink sat a knife from the dinner she had prepared earlier. Her eyes locked on it. Once again the intrusive thoughts went through her mind. She placed the cup on the table and walked over to grasp it. Grabbing a towel next to her, she wiped the knife off and stared at it. A few quick cuts and it could all be over.

Before she knew it, she was in the washroom. The knife shook in Anna's hand. Anna looked into the silver. Her face was distorted by the way the light hit it and she wondered what it would feel like against her skin. Her fingers tightened around the handle and then she nearly panicked. What was she doing?

Anna fell down on the floor and pushed her body up against the wall. This wasn't right. She was so tired of feeling this way. Anna placed the knife in her lap and hid it between the folds of her nightdress. It was as if hiding it would make what she had just thought disappear. Then she pulled up her knees and started crying

-X-X-X-X-X-

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes for coming over so early," John said, greeting their dear friend inside. "I, also, appreciate you not mentioning any of this to Mr. Carson." John had rung the Carson house as soon as the sun had begun to rise. He briefly explained to her what was going on with Anna and that he needed her to take the children into work with her that morning.

"How's Anna?" Mrs. Hughes questioned worriedly. Anna was like her adopted daughter and she loved and cared for her very much.

"I'm afraid she's not well," John honestly answered. "I can't go into it all. I will explain it all once I am able."

"Oh dear. What shall I tell Lord Grantham and Lady Mary?"

"Just tell them that Anna is very ill and that I need to stay with her. I will come and get the children this evening. You will only have Jack and Madeline; Charlotte will stay with us."

It was then that Anna walked into the room. Elsie Hughes quickly noticed how pale Anna looked. She headed over to Anna and grabbed her hands.

"My poor girl," she said softly.

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes for watching the children," Anna spoke meekly.

"Of course, my love." The concern on Mrs. Hughes' face was noticeable, but she pushed out a smile for Anna. "Don't you worry one bit about Jack and Madeline. Just focus on getting yourself better."

"We need to get going," John stated. He picked Charlotte up from where she was laying and opened the door. "Mrs. Crawley will be waiting for us."

-X-X-X-X-

Mrs. Crawley had set up a cot for Charlotte in one of her rooms in her house. Anna was unsure how she did it so quickly. John had only just called her that morning. Anna placed the sleeping baby into the cot and stood nervously in the bedroom. She was unsure about all of this. What if Mrs. Crawley's big plan was to send her away?

"She'll be okay in here," John whispered into her ear. "Come on now, let's not keep Mrs. Crawley waiting."

"What if she wants to send me away?" Anna questioned. She turned toward John and bit her lip.

"No," John answered. He pushed a stray hair off her cheek, before placing his hand lovingly onto her shoulder. "She just wants to help you."

John led Anna out into Mrs. Crawley's sitting room. Isobel sat there alone with some tea and biscuits on the table. Seeing John and Anna coming out of the room, Isobel sat up and smiled.

"I'm glad you called me this morning," Isobel told them honestly. "Please sit down. Did you remember to bring your bag?" Isobel has requested they pack some of Anna's things to bring along with them.

"Oh, I forgot to grab it as we were leaving this morning," John apologized. The morning had been filled with trying to settle the children and keeping Anna calm.

"It's no bother. You can bring it back later."

Anna's face was filled with worry. "Are you going to send me away? Commit me?"

"What? No," Isobel reassured. "That's the last thing you need, Anna." Anna relaxed some. It was relieving to hear that Mrs. Crawley didn't plan on sending her away from everyone she loved.

"Then why do I need my things?"

"The first thing you need, my dear, is some rest. I have thought on this a lot. If it is okay with the two of you, I thought Anna could stay with me for a few days or so. Charlotte can stay too; I know she is nursing."

"I could take the time off and care for her at home," John stated.

"And I am sure you would do a wonderful job of it too," Isobel reassured, "The problem is the children. Anna needs to have as little as possible on her plate. You could have someone else watch them, but I think for the children it would be best to have their Papa right now. Don't you?"

"Yes," Anna agreed.

"Also, it will raise the least bit of suspicions this way." Mrs. Crawley added. Both John and Anna were grateful for her discretion in this matter.

"Do you really think you can help her?" John questioned, as he wrapped his arm around his wife. Isobel gave a soft nod.

"I do. She won't be healed in a few days. Anna, you will still need help after this. We will need a plan. I do think we should maybe bring Mrs. Hughes and Mary into help us some."

Anna's hands wrung nervously in her lap. Her eyes remained downcast as she spoke, "Mrs. Hughes knows some of what happened last night, but Lady Mary…."

"Mary cares for you very much, dear. I know she will want to help you now. Also, she wouldn't tell a soul."

Anna nodded. She did know that was true. John placed his hands on Anna's and waited for her eyes to meet his.

"Do you want to do this? I do think its best."

"We can try it," Anna replied. John took her face in her hands and gently caressed her cheeks with his thumbs. Then he sat up to kiss her forehead.

"I'll go get your things and some things for Charlotte. I will be back shortly."

John sat up and walked over to Mrs. Crawley.

"I want to thank you for doing this for us, for Anna. I don't know where we would be without you." Isobel stood up and gave him a strong nod.

"I am glad I can help."

-X-X-X-X-X-

When Mary stood outside of Mrs. Hughes office, she paused before knocking. She heard the older woman crying. It made her stomach drop. If Mrs. Hughes was crying about Anna, it must be bad.

"Is everything alright, Mrs. Hughes?" Mary asked from outside the door. She immediately heard shuffling around, before Mrs. Hughes opened the door. Mary could tell Mrs. Hughes had quickly wiped her face to attempt to hide the tears, but her eyes were still puffy from the crying.

"Oh, Lady Mary, come on in." Mary followed Mrs. Hughes into the room.

"What's happened with Anna?" Mary asked bluntly, with worry in her voice. "Yesterday, she seemed fine and then today I hear she's very ill?"

"Let's sit," Mrs. Hughes suggested. "Mr. Bates just rang. He said I am to tell you everything, but it's to be kept a secret between us. This is a highly sensitive situation."

"Oh my, well of course I won't tell a soul. What has happened?" Mary questioned again. Mrs. Hughes felt hot tears threatening to escape. Her fear for the girl she loved as a daughter filled her very being.

"Anna has been struggling and last night she got close to attempting to kill herself," Mrs. Hughes slowly got out. Mary's hand immediately covered her mouth in shock. Her eyes blinked.

"What?"

"She stopped herself, but Mr. Bates found her in the washroom sitting with a sharp knife. She told him she had contemplated doing it. She said it wasn't the first time, but that was the first time she had gotten this far." Mary blinked back some tears she hadn't been expecting.

"I…I knew she was having a bit of a hard time with the new baby, but I had no idea…"

"I didn't either. No one knew. Well, except Mrs. Crawley."

"Isobel?" Mary questioned surprised. "What does she have to do with all of this?"

"Apparently, she's seen this type of struggle in other mothers in her time as a nurse. She caught on yesterday and thankfully had given Mr. Bates some fair warning of how bad it could get. She has offered to take in Anna for a few days to help her recover some."

Mary nodded, grateful for the woman she still considered one of her mother-in-laws. If anyone could help Anna, Mary believed Isobel could do it. She was not only a nurse, but a mother as well.

"And why am I to know this?" Mary was glad she knew. She cared tremendously for Anna; she just didn't know why she was one of the chosen to tell.

"Mr. Bates said she won't heal over these few days, not fully anyway. Mrs. Crawley has asked for our help to lighten Anna's load, help with the children, and just to be there for support."

"Of course," Mary agreed.

"And we have to keep it between us," Mrs. Hughes reminded Mary. "We know how the gossip can float around here."

"Absolutely. I will handle Papa when he questions about the lack of Mr. Bates."

-X-X-X-X-X-

The house was eerily quiet. John couldn't remember the last time he had been in the house and another soul wasn't inside. There were always children and his wife to greet him. At the moment, he missed the pitter patter of his children and the sound of Anna's voice singing to them. That was always his favorite time of day to arrive home. Anna would be dancing around in the sitting room with the children singing songs. No matter what kind of day he had, that always brought a smile to his face. There were no smiles now.

John saw the bag Anna had packed that morning. She had been completely distraught, convinced Mrs. Crawley was going to send her to an institution. John had quelled her fears somewhat by promising her Mrs. Crawley was a safe person and that if she wasn't, he wouldn't allow her to go anywhere. He would keep her safe.

But he hadn't kept her safe. Had he, they wouldn't be where they were now. How had he not noticed how bad his wife had gotten?

Before John could react, a deep sob left his lips. He sat down on the settee and allowed the tears to flow.

_To be continued..._


	7. Chapter 7

_Thank you guys so much for all your kind words. They truly mean the world to me. Writing is my escape and to read that people enjoy my stories just make it that much better. Enjoy! _

**Healing**

Anna felt completely out of place as a guest in Mrs. Crawley's home. While Mrs. Crawley was an exceptional host, it felt wrong to be a guest for someone in the Crawley family.

The house was very quiet, quieter than Anna had been used to in a while. Anyone who would have been helping Mrs. Crawley around the house was gone. It was just Mrs. Crawley, Anna, and Charlotte. Mrs. Crawley insisted on doing pretty much everything, reiterating that Anna should be resting. It was hard to rest though, feeling like such an imposition and feeling bad for not being with her other children.

"Here you go, dear," Mrs. Crawley stated, placing a plate of hot food in front on Anna.

"Mrs. Crawley, you really don't have to do all of this for me…"

"Oh, I quite enjoy it," Isobel told her. She took a seat from across Anna and grabbed her cup of tea. "I miss having someone to care for."

"Yes, I'm sure you miss Matthew."

"Every day," Isobel said in a matter-of-fact tone. She placed her tea back onto the table and then met Anna's eyes with her own. "Let's talk about you, now, shall we?"

"I guess," Anna sighed. She had known this was coming, but the idea of talking about what was happening to her was daunting.

"Can you explain to me what happened last night, dear?"

Anna pierced her lips in thought. Her shoulders slowly rose up in a shrug, as she attempted to minimize what had happened, "I don't really know. One minute I was in the kitchen getting some tea and the next I was in the washroom with a knife."

"I see," Isobel responded, not surprised Anna wouldn't tell her the whole truth. "And how often have you thought about hurting yourself? The children?"

Anna's eyes fell down to her lap, as a knot formed in her throat. Her head shook. "I…I don't know…"

"When Matthew was a little older than Charlotte, I put him in the tub to bathe him. I had to hold him so that he wouldn't fall beneath the water. But that time something was different. I was so exhausted; so overwhelmed. I let go of him and let him slip under the water. I just sat there and watched," Anna looked up to Isobel's confession. "Thankfully my mother came in and pulled him out the second he fell under. I didn't move."

"What….what happened?" Anna questioned. Obviously Matthew had turned out okay and had been unharmed in the situation and Mrs. Crawley was here to tell the tale.

"My mother realized then how much help I needed. Had she not been there, who knows what would have happened. She saved both my life and Matthew's life that day."

"Daily, multiple times a day," Anna finally admitted. Tears began to roll down her ashen cheeks. "Mainly to hurt myself. Last night when I went to drink some tea, I saw the knife just sitting there. At that moment, I was ready to die. I knew everyone would be better off without me." A sob broke out of Anna's lips and Isobel stood. She walked over toward Anna and pulled her into her arms.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Papa, I need to have a word with you," Mary commanded. Robert turned away from his mirror and sighed.

"A footman, Mary. Thomas sent up a footman to fill in for Bates," Robert complained. Mary rolled her eyes.

"And you have survived, it appears, Papa."

"What is it you need to discuss?"

"It is Mr. Bates and his role here," Mary answered simply. "It is 1930. You no longer need a full time valet. Mr. Bates and Anna have three children. I think you should lighten his load."

"Lighten his load? Have I not been good to him?"

"Papa, seriously. Right now, Anna is very sick. Had Mr. Bates been home more, perhaps he could have caught how sick she was before she got so poorly." Mary tried to explain. Robert straightened his jacket and twisted his lips.

"I am sorry that Anna is sick and I hope she is better very soon. However, your Mama raised three girls just fine while I was off and about."

"Mama also had a nanny," Mary reminded him. Robert sighed in agreement.

"Alright," Robert conceded. He didn't know why he had thought he could win an argument with Mary. "What do you propose, Mary?"

"Allow Mr. Bates to go home before dinner and an extra day or two off a week." Robert nodded in agreement. "I will also be speaking to Nanny about adding some extra help for her so that Mr. Bates can bring his children along a few days a week, as needed. Mr. Bates will be back to work tomorrow, but he will have to leave earlier since he will have Jack and Madeline with him. It will be a while before Anna is back on her feet."

"And who is helping her with the baby throughout the day?" Robert was a bit overwhelmed by all his daughter was telling him. He cared for the Bates family, but he wasn't sure why their household was completely bending over backwards for them.

"Isobel."

"Isobel?"

"Yes, she's a nurse. She can help Anna with Charlotte and watch after Anna while she's sick."

"Ah, yes. Well, I must get going. Your mama will not be pleased if I am late."

-X-X-X-X-X-

John walked into the Servant's Hall to find Jack and Madeline sitting at the table with Mrs. Hughes. She was reading them both a book about a doctor who could speak with animals. Both children would giggle when Mrs. Hughes would do the different voices for the animals. While Mrs. Hughes finished the chapter, John took a seat next to Madeline. Madeline crawled into his lap.

"More," Jack asked hopefully as she finished.

"We will have to read more tomorrow," Mrs. Hughes told him. Then she looked up to Mr. Bates. "The children were well behaved. Mrs. Patmore already fed them both dinner."

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes. Truly," he added strongly. He didn't know what they would have done today without her.

"No thank you necessary, Mr. Bates. How's Anna?"

"I'm not sure," John answered honestly. He then smiled and gave both of his children a wink, "But Mrs. Crawley is taking great care of her and she will be much better soon."

"Will we get sick, Papa?" Jack questioned, turning his head to the side. "Mummy always takes care of me when I'm sick."

"You won't," John promised, ruffling his hair. "Now tell your Godmama thank you for watching over you both today."

Jack wrapped his arms around Mrs. Hughes' neck and kissed her cheek. "I love you, Godmama!" Mrs. Hughes returned his hug and held him close. She would have never guessed, years ago, that she would have three children that she could love as if they were her own grandchildren.

"I love you too, Jack. Now help your father with Madeline tonight and be a good lad."

"I will!" Jack turned around and jumped down from his chair. He grabbed his father's hand and helped lead him out the door.

-X-X-X-X-X-

Charlotte was crying again. Anna tried everything in her power to get her to calm down. Nothing was working. Anna couldn't understand why Charlotte hated to be within her arms.

"Here," Mrs. Crawley offered. "Can I take her?"

Teary-eyed, Anna handed Charlotte to Isobel. Almost immediately she calmed.

"See, she hates me. No matter what I do; she doesn't want me to hold her."

"That's not true, my dear. I think she can sense how tense you are," Isobel explained.

"Tense?"

"Yes. You are preparing for her to cry before she cries," Mrs. Crawley told her. "You are uncomfortable. Perhaps because of the thoughts you have been having or your fear of being a bad mother."

Anna blinked back the tears. "Either way, it's my fault."

"No, dear. It is not. Has Charlotte been nursed for the evening?" Anna nodded. "Good. I will put her down for the night. You said she slept all night last night?" Again, Anna nodded. "Very good. I have something I want you to take tonight to help you sleep."

"No," Anna said, her voice shaking. "I don't want…"

"I promise I will wake you if Charlotte needs you. I will sleep in the same room as her."

"You don't understand."

"No," Mrs. Crawley agreed. "I do not." She bounced Charlotte, who was already beginning to fade in her arms. "I will put her down and then come back out here. Why don't you drink some of the fresh tea I just made us?"

Anna did as she was told. The tea cup shook within her fingers. She was absolutely terrified of what her dreams would be like if she was unable to wake from them.

"Alright, dear. Can you explain why you don't want to sleep? Are you having nightmares?" Anna swallowed hard before she nodded. It wasn't a secret what had happened to her all those years ago. Once she had been arrested for Mr. Green's murder, the reason of her being a suspect spread like wildfire. Thankfully, everyone had seemed to respect Anna's privacy on the matter and no one asked her questions about it.

"They are about the time I was attacked," she finally replied. "The nightmares are very vivid. I often wake up terrified and needing to bathe."

Isobel hadn't expected that. Her lips narrowed and she tried to think of how to help Anna out of her nightmares.

"You know, sometimes these things continue to haunt us because we expect them to. I do wonder, if you were able to relax, if these nightmares would disappear. I think you should take the medicine I have for you. It won't make it so you can't awake. I am giving you a very mild dose. How about we just try it? If it doesn't work, we will try something else tomorrow?"

Anna was a little unsure about it, but nodded anyway. "Okay."

_To be continued..._

**_This chapter gave me an idea for another fluffy one-shot involving Mrs. Hughes and the Bates children. So look out for it within a few days! _**


	8. Chapter 8

_Thank you again! Enjoy! _

**Better**

"Anna, Anna?" Mrs. Crawley's voice rang softly, as she gently nudged Anna's shoulder. Anna's eyes fluttered open and she realized the sun's rays were coming through the curtain. She had slept all night. All night. A calmness ran through her. That full night of sleep had felt wonderful. There had been no nightmares. A smile drew up on her lips.

"I am sorry to wake you, dear, but Charlotte needs to eat." Anna rubbed her eyes and slowly sat up.

"No, don't apologize. I….I slept well," Anna informed her. She reached her arms out for Charlotte and quickly placed her on her breast. Isobel smiled.

"I am so glad. No nightmares?" Anna shook her head. "Good."

When Charlotte finished nursing, Anna placed the small babe up against her chest. The baby gurgled in her ear and it made Anna laugh. She stood up to get dressed and ready for breakfast. As she walked around the room to get ready, she realized Charlotte wasn't crying in her arms. She pulled the little girl back and met the small girl's eyes.

"Hi," Anna whispered to the babe. Once again, the baby gurgled. Anna grinned. Was that all she had needed a good night sleep? No, she reminded herself. Mrs. Crawley told her it wouldn't be that easy. Anna was sure the good night's sleep plus the burden of her secrets being gone helped make her less tense for Charlotte. She was grateful for that at least.

When Anna was ready, she walked into Mrs. Crawley's dining room surprised to find John sitting and talking with Mrs. Crawley. Noticing Anna, John stood.

"Anna," he said in the way that could make her back shiver. She smiled.

"John, I didn't expect…"

"Mrs. Crawley thought we might appreciate breakfast together alone. You look better," he added.

"I slept," Anna told him. Mrs. Crawley excused herself from the room saying something about listening out for Charlotte and for them to take their time.

John pulled out a chair for Anna and then helped push it back in when she sat. He then walked around the table and took a seat. John reached his hand across the table for Anna to take it. She gladly did. They sat there like that for several minutes just enjoying being with one another and the quiet. It wasn't often they got these moments.

"I was speaking with Mrs. Crawley and she says sleep has done you well," John told her, breaking the silence. Anna nodded. "No nightmares of Mr. Green."

"No," Anna replied.

"Good. I will no longer be working long hours at Downton. Lady Mary has arranged it so that I can be home before dinnertime. She has also arranged more help for Nanny. I am to bring the oldest children in with me a few times a week."

"I don't think all of that is necessary," Anna argued.

"It is. It is very necessary, Anna. One night's sleep isn't going to fix everything," John said somewhat sharply. He sighed at himself and then reached back out for Anna's hand. "You are not fine, darling. It is important that you don't get overwhelmed again."

"I know," Anna replied, her lips twisted. "I'm sorry."

"What do you have to be sorry for?"

"All of this. I have hurt our family so much," a tear slipped down Anna's cheek. John got out of his chair and pulled a chair closer to Anna. He gently placed his hand under her chin to make her look at him.

"You have no blame here, Anna. If anyone is to blame, it is me."

"You?" Anna incredulously asked.

"I saw you were struggling and did nothing."

"You did. You took the children, you offered to let me sleep, you…."

"It is my job to protect you."

"And you did. I….I don't think this is something we could have known to look for," Anna told him. John wiped a stray tear off of Anna's cheek. Anna rested her head on his chest and John wrapped his arms around her.

-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna stayed at Isobel's house for three more days. During those days, she was given a lot of rest. Mrs. Crawley also insisted that daily she get out of the house to go for walks. She said exercise was important for her mental health. Anna looked forward to these daily walks. She would push Charlotte in the pram and Isobel would join along. Sometimes no words were spoken between them, but others the two of them had talks of children, flowers, or anything on their minds. Anna and Isobel had never really spent that much time together and Anna realized during this time just how much she liked Mrs. Crawley. She hoped they would spend more time together in the future.

When they reached the house on the last day, Anna was surprised to find Mrs. Hughes standing at the doorway of Mrs. Crawley's house. Mrs. Crawley invited Mrs. Hughes into her home and the three of them sat in the sitting room once Charlotte was down for her midday nap.

"I am so glad to see you are doing better, love," Mrs. Hughes told Anna with a smile.

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes."

"I have come with some news," Mrs. Hughes then stated. "I turned in my resignation yesterday. I am officially retiring. I think it is about time Mr. Carson and I enjoyed the retired life."

"Retiring?" Anna asked, a bit upset. She smiled to hide her disappointment. What if they moved far away and she never saw them again?

"His Lordship and Her Ladyship have been kind enough to let us stay where we are. We plan on staying there for a little while," Mrs. Hughes then stated. "Now that I will have more free time, I was hoping I could get more time with my godchildren. Perhaps swing by a few times a week to see them and you?" All Anna's disappointment faded away, but it was then filled with concern it was all being done for her. She hated people changing their lives for her.

"Mrs. Hughes, don't retire for me."

"For you? Absolutely not, Mr. Carson and I have been discussing this for ages," Mrs. Hughes said indignantly. But Anna could still hear the softness in her voice and so she smiled.

"Of course," she replied. "Well your godchildren would love to see you more often."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Thank you, Mrs. Crawley, truly, for everything," Anna told the older woman. John stood behind Anna bouncing a tired Charlotte up and down.

"You will come to me again if you need it?" Isobel requested strongly.

"Yes," Anna agreed.

"We can never repay you for this debt," John stated. "Thank you."

John placed Charlotte into her pram so he could carry the luggage from the house. He and Anna headed back to their home. Anna felt a little anxious about returning home. Everything at Mrs. Crawley's house had been easy. She knew that wouldn't be the case back at home. Anna worried she would fall back into the same depression she had been in days before.

"Don't be anxious," John told her. He could read her like a book. "It's going to be fine. I have the next couple of days off. We will figure this all out together."

"And if I sink again?" Anna questioned, pausing on the road home. John set the luggage down next to him and turned to Anna. He placed his hands on her shoulders and gave them a loving squeeze.

"Then I will bring you up again." Anna fell into his arms and the two of them stayed like that for several minutes. Charlotte gurgled, breaking their hug.

"Alright, let's go home."

**_The End_**


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